It is not the events or actions that occur in our lives which have intrinsic meaning or value. Instead, I believe it is how we handle them or the ways in which we respond to them that give them meaning. For example, a husband leaving the home he has shared with his wife of ten years, and moving into his own apartment. It is not the action of moving out which matters. But it is the reasons and the goals for doing so. It could be that the relationship is destructive and the distance is a necessary step in halting and repairing what went wrong. It could be that he needs to reassess his priorities and learn to appreciate his family better, figure out what really matters to him. It could be that his wife needs a similiar chance to realize what is at stake. Maybe they’ll both realize what they’ve been doing wrong and learn new ways to try again, to love and be together. Maybe he needs to grow up and experience things he didn’t, because he married too young. Have a breathing space from which to work things out in a more peaceable way. Or it could be that he has already given up and is beginning a new life with someone else. It could be that he no longer feels the same way, the same love as he once did, or maybe even that he never really did. Or it could even be that he’s already given it to someone new. Maybe it’s somewhere in between, just depending upon how long the damage has been going on and how much love is still left or not.
Today I helped my “ex” begin moving into his first apartment, the one he intends to share with the new love of his life. I stood in the bedroom looking out over the pretty lawn and thought, ‘she’ll stand here soon, this is her view and her life.’ I put the towels in his linen closet, knowing they would be wrapped around her body someday soon. I put cans of food into the cupboard where she would take them down to make a meal for him after a long day at work. But all the while I was glad to have the chance to be there with him as he started on this new avenue of his life. I was glad it was me there next to him sharing the first moment. It may be the last ‘first’ we share together, or it may not. Every moment of these last couple of months, after he told me about her, feels like time is rapidly slipping away. Everything in my life is changing, and I am powerless to control the flow of that change or affect it in any real way.
I don’t know what will come in the future. I don’t think he fully understands the impact of his choices now. He wants a chance at his own life, and of that part I am glad and supportive. He never had a chance before, and I think everyone ought to have that. He never really made a choice about his own life before. He’s always been terribly sheltered from life. But the fact that he’s complicated this by the way he chose to do it, that is what is hard for me. He didn’t just decided he needed to make some changes and then act upon that. Instead he decided that he couldn’t handle the pressure I put on him or handle making these changes for himself on his own, and that I wasn’t capeable of helping him do it. Therefore, he needed to find someone new for the role. I’m still quite bitter about that. I don’t believe he ever gave me a chance. But it doesn’t matter because his choice has been made, the action has been taken, and now things are irrevocably different.
I imagine he will be surprised at what it will feel like when he realizes the connection between us is no longer there in the same way. Or maybe it would be more accurate to say, I imagine he will not understand and be hurt. I have done my best to tell him that it will not be the same, and to explain why it must inevitably change. It always seems like he blames me for that, like it’s my choice if we remain close or not. I don’t get that. I mean yes, we can still be friends. But we can’t still be soulmates or ‘in-love’. He was my soulmate; to me that is exactly how I would define him. Perhaps I wasn’t that to him, I don’t know, but that’s not my fault. How can anyone actually think that when you sleep with someone new after a deeply emotional, committed relationship, that it wouldn’t hurt the other person or change the nature of the relationship? Especially when you come back and say I’m going to move in with them and do it a whole lot more, and I’m not the least bit sorry? How could anyone think that somehow things could go on with the same depth of emotional committment and love? He has just illustrated to me in the basest way possible exactly how inconsequential my needs are to him, exactly how unimportant I am to him in comparison to his own desires… I know he loves me, at least in the way in which he defines love. I know that it hurts him that I am hurting. But it doesn’t change the fact that he chose her over me, or maybe it is more accurate to say he chose himself over me… and that he won’t or can’t protect me from the inevitable destruction of my life as I know it, my trust in our love, and my heart. Why can’t he understand that if I were strong enough to go on as though none of this were really important, that it would mean exactly that… that none of it was really important. Why can’t he understand that I have the right, in fact the need, to feel and to process this change? It does not make me a weak person because I feel emotion deeply. How can there be love without feeling? Isn’t the depth of the feeling directly proprtional to the amount of love involved? Can’t he see that how much I am hurting and how much I am feeling is a sign of just how much I loved? Can’t he see that to keep my heart open to that same level of love would completely destroy me? How could he actually ask that of me?
I don’t really understand what is going on or what he feels or intends. Sometimes I think he believes that this is just something he needs to go through to make himself stronger and better, to help him grow up. He has hinted at times that he really thinks he’ll come back someday and we’ll be together again. What am I supposed to do with that? I don’t understand why he is doing this to us. If he loves me the way he says he does, then how could he? And that’s why I just can’t believe that he really does love me the way he says. I know I don’t understand how he feels. But I also know that whatever this is, whatever he is doing… it’s not about making us ‘better’. It may be about making him better, I don’t know. But whatever he feels for me, it isn’t real love. Because when you really love someone, you don’t betray them when they really need you. You don’t betray a trust. You make it right first, even if you end it. You do it right, and not like this. And if you don’t do it right, then you apologize and make it right. Otherwise, what kind of love could you possibly have?
Sorry, guess I needed to rant and let off a little of this frustration. The truth is I don’t really know what’s going on. I’m confused about absolutely everything. And I’m afraid. I’m not sure what I want anymore because all the variables are different now. Sure, I still love him. But do I actually want him in my life, given what I have to accept to have him around? I don’t know what’s good for me. I don’t think feeling this way, long-term, is good. But I have no idea to how to make it better. When I close down my heart, it hurts too much. I don’t really want to stop loving him. It feels terribly wrong. But keeping my heart open feels weak and risky. I can’t trust him not to hurt me; look what he’s doing to me right now. But I can’t just throw away ten years and a person who means that much to me like it was nothing.
I guess the only thing I can do right now to survive is to just keep getting up every day and trying to endure. But I’m so very, very tired. And my soul aches.
